From the outside, and from a distance, I looked like your typical, middle-aged, Christian, suburban, stay-at-home mom. But you didn’t have to get too close before you started to see the devastation.
I wish I could say I was exaggerating when I use that word. On the contrary, I was the definition of it.
Let me tell you a little bit about my journey from pain to peace. It was almost twenty years ago now that a simple prayer changed my life. I was in so much constant, intense, chronic, gut-wrenching, emotional pain.
I was ravaged, ruined, wrecked on a daily basis for literally years on end.
Things in my childhood led to this, like abandonment, abuse, neglect and mental illness in my immediate family.
But it wasn’t just that.
There was my teenage son who was a juvenile delinquent. And had a rap sheet the length of his arm by the time he was out of junior high.
It was my marriage from hell to a decent, but hurt and angry man. And one I never loved.
It was the extreme poverty. The broken-down shack we lived in had broken, boarded up windows, holes in the walls, closet doors leaning against the wall.
And then another son got childhood cancer, not once, but twice.
And I was a Christian. I believed in Jesus. And had been taught the Gospel from an early age.
But I didn’t understand why if Jesus wanted me to have such a good life in the future (in heaven), He didn’t seem to care much about my present reality.
If I’m honest, it just felt so pie in the sky. So far removed from what was happening down in the trenches of my everyday miserable existence. It didn’t feel very practical.
If Jesus wanted to bless me so much in the future, why couldn’t He do something about my current hell on earth?
So, I started to pray as earnestly as I’ve ever prayed, that God would show me why I was suffering so much.
Was this just “bad things happening to good people”?
Was it because of the “sin principle”?
Or maybe I doing something wrong?
I know it builds character, but does it have to be this hard?
Was I bringing it on myself?
Or maybe it was just His sovereign will?
Over the course of the next few months, the Lord began to answer that prayer, in dramatic fashion. To read a more in-depth treatment of this topic, see Serving A Pointless God.
First, I suddenly got an inexplicable urge to start listening to Joyce Meyer cassette tapes (as I said, twenty years ago). I knew who she was but wasn’t very familiar with her teaching.
So, I bought some tapes and started listening as I cleaned the house every day.
And then I got another urge to start spending more time reading the Bible.
As I did, I started noticing and understanding scriptures I had read dozens or even hundreds of times before but never thought twice about.
I started seeing them in a new light. And began to see how much they applied to my life, in practical ways. Here’s a few that took on precious new meaning.
“Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep their tongue from evil
and their lips from deceitful speech.
They must turn from evil and do good;
they must seek peace and pursue it” 1 Peter 3:10, 11.
“Her [wisdom’s] ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace” Proverbs 3:17.
What I was learning would change the trajectory of my life dramatically and forever.
A big reason I was suffering was because of my own foolish ways.
Life could be so much more peaceful and pleasant if I would just learn a lesson and change a few things. For starters:
I had an out-of-control temper. I said and did things in a fit of anger that I wished I could take back in calmer moments.
I didn’t think twice about slandering people behind their backs, especially my own husband.
I had a wandering heart and was convinced the grass was greener. . .
And this was all the while I went to church every week, lifted my hands in worship and did personal devotions.
The Lord showed me that my sins were not only hurting other people but were a big source of my own pain too.
With the Lord’s help, I started to change. And to my great delight, my life began to improve too!
My juvenile delinquent son had a come to Jesus moment, literally. And that was the end of his criminal enterprise. And he eventually became a productive citizen of society.
My marriage from hell ended when he asked me for a divorce. (I know God hates divorce, but this was his choice. And there was nothing I could do about it.)
I came into a large inheritance that enabled us to get out of poverty.
And my other son recovered from his cancer, which was a death sentence. To read the dramatic testimony, click here.
Does this sound like a fairy tale? Like it’s too good to be true? I know. But it’s all true. That prayer. . .
I know it’s not popular in some Christian circles to talk about a God who blesses and saves and rescues us in this life. But this was now my experience.
Now, of course I’m familiar with the apostle Paul and other apostles who were persecuted and didn’t really have a very pleasant life. But I think sometimes we forget that they also were witness to and performed miraculous signs and wonders.
They were experiencing the Kingdom of God in a way very few of us ever will in this day and age, at least in the Western hemisphere. So, yes, there was suffering, but that’s actually because of the great privilege and glory they experienced.
Very different from my situation.
I’m also NOT saying that the only reason Christians suffer is foolishness. I do think it is the culprit more than we care to acknowledge though.
The thoughts and insights in this blog were all birthed during this time when the Lord was showing me why I was suffering so much. They are the answer to that prayer.
I hope they help you as much as they have me.
Blessings, Anita